Hot Flashes: 101 Reasons to Laugh at Life by Sue Langenberg

Author:Sue Langenberg
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humour

Making Noise About Men

I try not to jump on the male versus female food fight too often these days. Some gender will always accuse me of some bashing or another. I always hear from all those testosterone-infected, belching and scratching – er, I mean nice men out there.

Sometimes I can't resist, however. It seems that all those chauvinistic divisions are just too amusing to ignore with all the Moons and Venuses apart that we seem to be at times.

Especially for us divorced, widowed or just plain peace-and-quiet-seeking women who exist outside the noisy realm of men. And I do mean noisy.

I've experienced both sides of the noise line now. When incarcerated within a happy-thwappy marriage, my most vivid recollection is about a male's dominating decibels. My husband cranked up the stereo in the basement family room so that I, two floors away, could not hear myself knit.

If I shouted through the laundry chute to turn it down, of course he couldn't hear. So I had to personally visit the basement to perform sign language, known as Wrathful Gestures.

But in reverse, if I were in the bathtub with the water running and HE wanted my attention, I was expected to dash toweled and dripping wet to HIS area; thus the saying, "You know I can't hear you with the water running."

I think that his goal was to get the speakers to walk unassisted across the room. Noise was his statement about what he was doing at the moment and how he felt about it. Open, slam, open, slam of the kitchen cupboards meant that he was disturbed about my activities that day and dinner wasn't on the table. Rattle, chink, clink in upper case letters meant, "I'm the only one who does the trash around here."

When we socialized with friends, the stereo in the same room was blasting so that conversation with the person next to you was impossible.

I questioned this, having to shout, "How are you?" to someone next to me. His answer was that the music was more important. "Then why invite them over?" fell on deaf ears.

Then, of course, there's the snoring issue. Your average steam ship comes to mind. While I am gently informed by family members that I, too, snore these days, "That's different," is my response, just like his "that's different" in any other verbal exchange.

My snoring is gentle, pinked-ruffled rhythms of sweetness and light. Some males sound like a monstrous Mr. Snuffleuffagus shaking the countryside.

When not cranking up the stereo or snoring, my husband thrived on engine revs in the driveway. These events were not for a simple auto-repair test, but to irritate every neighbor on the block, except other like-minded males who joined him in appreciation for all things that rev.

They bonded over every high-octane sputter. I'm sure that they all grew up making armpit noises in church.

Other fascinating noises include the speed of the fan that must make as much noise as possible. They, too, should walk across the room. If a summer day calls for gentle air movement, my husband thought that the noisiest speed was in order.

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